Iunctus Eo
by PhoenixTears625
Summary: What happens when a red book transports the charcters of Harry Potter, Merlin  BBC , and Legend of the Seeker together. Unlikely friendships, romances, and enimies. Partially a crack!fic. Extrelemly Funny.


**A/N:** This is a crossover of our three favorite fandoms (Merlin- the BBC television series, Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling, and Legend of the Seeker- a TV show based of the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. We intend no plagiarism.

**Disclaimer: **We seriously don't own any of this, except for the plot. And we owe a couple of references to A Very Potter Musical.

We hope you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it.

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Iunctus Eo

Rampaging up the corridors, fluffy haired Hermione Granger arrived in front of two lanky teenage boys, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

"What do you want, Hermione?" grumbled Harry, angry about her having interrupted their fantasizing about Cho Chang's butt.

"Library. Now." She foamed at the mouth, snarling like a rabies squirrel.

Harry and Ron gave each other a knowing look and groaned simultaneously. Another afternoon wasted when they could be chasing hopelessly after girls. Nevertheless, they trudged behind her all the way up to the library on the fifth floor, not even managing to get a glimpse of her frumpy butt.

Hermione flung herself through the library doors and barreled through a gaggle of girls who were fawning over some hot Hufflepuff kid. Harry waved slyly and winked at them as he passed. The girls all stopped silent and looked at him like he had seven heads. Harry nudged Ron and said loudly "I've got mad game with the bitches!"

They noticed Hermione sitting at a table some fifty feet away and pimp walked to where she was situated.

"Can you help me find this rare book on the sexuality of Hippogriff foals?" she pleaded, tears welling in her eyes. They sensed a tantrum coming.

"Only if you do our Herbology essays for us…" Harry bargained.

"Fine…" Hermione grunted and then led them to a bookcase crowded with scraps of paper and old chewing gum. "It's here somewhere, but I don't know where."

"Is this it?" Ron asked, pulling out a gnarled, ruby-red book.

"Yes! I think you've found it!" Hermione said with glee.

Harry snatched the book out of Ron's hand and flipped through the pages.

"Hermione, this isn't it…all these pages say the same word. I think it's a spell."

"Say it, man, I dare you!" Ron screamed.

"Only if double-doggie-dare me!" Harry bubbled.

"I do." Said Ron.

'Don't do it, Harry," Hermione said "It looks dangerous."

And for that very reason, Harry said the spell.

"Iunctus eo!"

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In the Death Eater's lair at Malfoy Manor, Voldemort sat brooding over his next evil plan to take down his arch nemesis- a sixteen year old boy named Harry Potter- when in walked Bellatrix Lestrange (in a very scandalous black corset).

"My Lord, you called…" she trailed off, starting to unlace the front of her corset.

"No I didn't." he looked confused, but also pleased.

"Well, I'm here anyway." She began climbing him and was just about to kiss him when the door slammed open, revealing none other than Severus Snape- the French maid.

"You have a speck of dirt on your door, My Lord," Snape drawled. "So I threw it open in order to clean it off."

"Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?" Voldemort gestured to Bellatrix, who was partially naked and now straddling him.

"You also have a speck of dirt on your pretty pink pony, My Lord….let me just get that…" he wandered to the pony- feather duster in hand.

"Snape! I'm with Bellatrix right now!" he shouted.

"You're just being a dirty, gay Lord!"

"Did someone say Lucius Malfoy?" Lucius strutted into the room adorned in a sequined pink yoga suit. He laughed at his own joke, the raised his arm to show the room what he had been holding. It was a ruby red book, and he held it as though it was a dirty rag. "Look what I've found!" he said, before tossing it across the room, where it hit Voldemort in the face. "Pftt, knowledge….I don't need this."

Hissing, Voldemort picked up the book and flipped through the pages.

"It all says the same word!" he scoffed. "Though it does look like a spell…"

"I love it when you say dirty spells, My Lord! Say it." Bellatrix commanded. Coerced by Bellatrix, Voldemort muttered the spell.

"Iunctus eo!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Polish my chain-mail, wash my clothes, and make my bed." Arthur Pendragon spat at a dejected looking Merlin, standing next to him.

'But, it's my birthday!" Merlin sighed, "All I got so far was this brightly colored neck scarf from Gauis! God knows I already have like fifty of them!" he complained.

"Well too bad because I already told Morgana we'd have some alone time today," Arthur gave him a suggestive wink. "So, you'll have nothing to do but my delegated chores."

"Oh, well if you're going to be with Morgana, then I'll have to come along." Merlin said, cheering up a bit. "I told Uther that I'd be your personal chaperone when it came to affairs such as Morgana."

Arthur groaned.

"PWND!" Merlin screamed at the top of his lungs, pretending to be gangster, but soon returned to his normal self. "Well it's ok because I'll bring this book for a bit of light reading." Merlin grabbed the book and hurried along to catch up with Arthur, who was making his way to Morgana's bedchambers. He was giving himself little pep talks along the way.

When they reached the wooden door, Arthur knocked and then proceeded through the threshold. Upon seeing who it was, Morgana flung herself at Arthur and jumped into his arms. She began to forcefully kiss him, but looked confused when Arthur pulled back.

"There will be a special guest today…" Arthur rolled his eyes, and Morgana looked puzzled. "Uther sent Merlin to chaperone us."

Morgana groaned as Merlin strolled into the room.

"Hey guys!" Merlin tugged at his trusty neck scarf.

"Hey Merlin…." The droned together.

"Look I didn't want to be here either, but at least I wont bother you because I'll just be in the corner reading this book." He held up the ruby red book. "Have fun! But not too much fun…I'll be watching you." He threatened, moving his pointer and middle fingers between his eyes and theirs. He retreated to the stool in the corner and opened the book.

"What? How am I supposed to read this, it's all the same word!" he mumbled to himself, not wanting to disturb the happenings across the room. "What is this word, anyway? I've never heard of it….maybe it's a spell. Let me try it. Iunctus eo! "

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Richard, Kahlan, Cara and Zedd settled down for the night under the shelter of the treetops of the surrounding forest.

Zedd fell asleep quickly with his eyes open, as wizards often do, but was awakened in the middle of the night by the moans and groans of the Seeker and his Confessor. Zedd rolled his eyes and muttered to himself-

"Why is it that Zeddicus Z'ul Zorrander, wizard of the first order, doesn't get any, like _ever?_ Where is Shota when you need her!" he closed his eyes, and tried to drift off back to sleep.

The next morning, Zedd woke up early and rubbed his eyes. Cara was lying near him- apparently she had not been woken up the night before by the 'noises'. Richard and Kahlan were lying next to him, apparently in a very deep sleep.

He shoved them awake angrily.

"Time to go into town." He said, briskly. "I don't know about you but I had a wonderfully _full_ night's sleep." He glared at them and coughed meaningfully. Then he tiptoed over to Cara and shook her awake gently. "Rise and shine, sweetie!"

Cara gave him a death glare. "You will address me as Cara, Mistress Cara, or just Mistress if you so please."

Richard and Kahlan looked at each other, and when Zedd's back was turned she whispered to him- "Maybe we should be a bit quieter next time."

Later that day, the four walked into the entrance of the town library. Richard, as usual, was molesting Kahlan's hair mumbling "My precious…."

Ok, youngins, lets get together and find this book- it's extremely old, quite like myself, and may look out of the ordinary…also like myself." He smiled "It may also be a very sexual beast…oh wait, that's just me."

Cara, Richard and Kahlan groaned and followed him up a steep stone staircase.

"This section looks like it might harbor our book!" Zedd looked hopeful and turned down a narrow alleyway with Cara at his heels.

Richard was just about to canoodle with Kahlan when a book flew out of the shelf behind him and hit him in the face.

"Ah!" Richard gave a cry and fell to his knees. 'My face! My beautiful face!"

"You don't even have a bruise." Cara scoffed. Richard merely grunted and grabbed the book off the floor.

"It looks sort of interesting! Is this a spell? Come here, Zedd."

"I've never heard of this before," Zedd furrowed his brow. "That can only mean one thing- POWERFUL MAGIC!" he cried. "Let's try it out! Iunctus eo!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

While writing in his journey book one evening, Lord Rahl, Master of D'Hara and the Underworld combined, remembered that he had not completed his daily regiment of sit-ups. After having Egrimont tell him that he was a barrel and not a six pack (in reference to Richard, his dear brother) he decided to work out every day so as have a pack that would make even a Mord-Sith cower in fear of his luscious abs.

"One, two, three, ninety nine, one hundred…" he counted.

When he was done, he got up quickly so as to continue his heated debate about which Mord-Sith was the hottest. As he rose, however, Darken Rahl crashed into his desk, sending the ink well of blood cascading over his journey book.

"Oh, tiddlywinks!" he pouted, "Now I have to buy a new one!" He began to cry and flail his arms about. When his child-like behavior had subsided, he exited the room and made his way out into the streets to find his favorite magical peddler. He had sold him a fair few naughty items back in the day.

Finding a red book among other things the peddler was selling, Rahl picked it up and examined it. Deciding that it was the perfect color (ruby red), Rahl huggled it to his moobs and squeed. He exchanged it for a handsome sum of gold and said goodbye to the peddler.

"See you another day, Lord Rahl." The peddler twiddled his moustache.

While walking back to the People's Palace, Rahl opened the book. He was dismayed to see that it was already covered in words, which were all the same.

"This looks like a dangerous spell- my favorite!" he exclaimed. "I wonder what it does. Iunctus eo!"

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**A/N:** This is only chapter one of a (possibly very long) story. The best is yet to come when all of that charcters meet up. Hilarity will ensue. Please review so that we can know if anyone is actually reading this and whether or not to post the other chapters. Thanks.


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